26 8 / 2014
Taking laxatives because you want to see lower numbers on the scale, not because you believe it will shed fat.
26 8 / 2014
i. my skin burns where you’ve
touched it I’ve taken five
showers in the same day
I still can’t wash you off my body.
ii. smoke from your cigarettes
hangs into my clothes no
amount of detergent makes
it smell any less haunting.
iii. your voice is on repeat
in my head why did you feed
me promises you never
even tried to keep?
iv. I am choking on your
nicotine breath I can
taste it whenever I try to
fall asleep in someone else’s arms.
v. I can’t write about you anymore"
every word that comes out is
blood in my throat
I cannot swallow you down.
26 8 / 2014
THINGS YOU MUST KNOW BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH ME:
1. I do not know what grey is. Everything
I do is in black and white and I will either love
too much that I lose myself in your warmth
or too little that I am too cold to embrace.
2. I am a fire and I take more than I can ever
give back to you. Don’t get too close to me
you will damage your skin from my touch
and it will turn you into ash and dust.
3. My kisses are not long and sweet and they
will not make you fall deeper in love with me,
they are short bursts of sadness landing along
your neck and I’m sorry if they poison you.
4. I have too many words to say and I let them
swim in the dark waters of my mind I wish
I could spill them all out but whenever I try
they’re drowning and I am already out of breath.
5. My flaws hide behind the irises of my eyes"
when they stare at you for too long and look
away I’m worried you’d start to see me the way
I see myself and decide that you don’t love me either.
26 8 / 2014
When recovery is not all yoga mats
and tea and avocados, it is work.
It is listening to your body rather
than pretending not to hear her.
It is waking up so hungry, you are
nauseous, but swallowing breakfast
anyways. It is taking an hour to eat a
snack. It is your stomach throwing a
tantrum and telling the acidic voice
in your head she has the wrong address.
Trying to ignore the caloric calculator in my head is like trying to ignore television subtitles.
Every time you asked if I was full, I heard you say fat, and I’m trying, trying so hard not to do that.
This is teaching my body how to forgive.
This is teaching my brain how to apologize."
26 8 / 2014
1. I am watching you get sick. The whites of your eyes are becoming yellow yolks; cheeks hang like grocery bags. You make diets of day planners. No time to eat with a stuffed calendar. Live off scheduled glamour. Meals are powdered hot chocolate packets. No marshmallows; just water. Breakfast is plain oatmeal. No milk; flavored with tap water. It is always raining. You swallow the storm.
2. To invite happiness inside him, Vincent Van Gogh drank paint of yellow hues. You do mad things for happiness, too. Vomit like an after school sport; casually, to pass time. Stomach acid erodes enamel. Your teeth blister. Bathe in sea salt to dehydrate water weight.
3. Eating disorders are very in. Like kale, like skinny jeans, like old Hollywood glamour- and don’t you dare bring up Marilyn Monroe. Recent studies show her frame was only one third of what you think.
4. Shrivel your stomach until it takes a single granola bar to feel full. Have NyQuil for a midnight snack. With pale pupils and unplugged irises, the only language you communicate in is numbers. You are a human recycling bin. Quit blaming your hometown and decomposing skin. If you’re not recovering, you are dying. There is no halfway when you’re overflowing from the inside. Drown your organs- they are already shipwrecked.
5. There was another girl in our grade who got sick about the same time you did, but she went to the hospital real quick because she was already thin to begin with. You see, when you’re thin, then get rapidly thinner, you have a problem. You need help.
6. You were not thin to begin with. You were fat, and now you’re evaporating, so everybody is congratulating you on getting “healthy.” You are not an illness, but an inspiration. Your father still carries your before-and-after photo in his wallet. Your disease is a smashing sensation.
7. Friend, I am so sorry. You too, are sick. Your messiah Kate Moss promises her physique is an achievable ambition, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”… Girl, she’s never had Nutella. Do not trust her, her two-faced dental care, or her fur pelt. Anorexics develop a hair all over to thaw their glacial bodies, called lanugo. The cold won’t let you go.
8. Veins bulging like a pop up book, I am watching you get sick. Mistake tracing paper for your skin. I am watching you get sick. When the blackouts start and your pulse gets slippery, wallpaper your interior with laxatives. I am watching you get sick. Read so much, your body insists it is full on authors, not high on hunger. I am watching you get sick.
9. One day, you will learn. The natural pigments will return- no more yellow skin, no blue fingernails, no scarlet scratch in your throat matching the raw nick on your middle finger. Make amends with the kitchen. Your face will glow like a television. You will get full again. Be able to finish a meal. You will become a writer. One day, I hope I’ll be able to finish this poem and say-"
10. I am watching you heal. I am watching you get better.”
26 8 / 2014
"Depression is not beautiful poetry and sympathy from loved ones and a beautiful girl crying in the middle of the night while her boyfriend holds her and whispers “I love you” over and over again.
Depression is not dead flowers and lana del rey music and dark eyeliner and lipstick smearing your face as you cry in a dirty bathtub smeared with your own blood.
Depression is a foul taste in your mouth and smell in your room because you don’t care enough to take a shower or brush your teeth.
Depression is longing for the days you cry because feeling something is better than feeling nothing and being sad is better than the blunt anxiety that is a constant in the back of your mind.
Depression is watching your friends slip away because you don’t care enough to call them or see them and in turn feeling lonely and ignored because it feels like they don’t care enough to call you or see you.
Depression is watching your grades plunge because how can you care about them when you don’t even care if you live or die?
Depression is having your teachers and your parents call you lazy and unmotivated and a deadbeat because of these grades and because your illness is so blind to them you have trouble convincing even yourself that it exists.
Depression is your back aching from staying in bed for hours a day, hoping you can live out your life in bed until you don’t have to live anymore.
Depression is staying up until five a.m. watching tv because if you turn everything off you will be alone with your thoughts and there is nothing on earth worse than that.
Depression is groaning in disappointment and anxiety when you wake up the next morning.
Depression is praying yet again that night that you don’t wake up.
Depression is not romantic. It is not beautiful. It is disgusting, empty, ugly. It is a pain so deep and long lasting you forget how you ever were without it."
In honor of Robin Williams and all the depressed people in the world.
Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255(via thephilyptian)
26 8 / 2014
"recovery is a funny fucking thing
because just when you think
that the storm has passed,
there’s that one little raindrop can
trigger a hurricane that
leaves a disaster zone in it’s wake."
a.a.a. (via affairedecoeur)